It's random....

It's been too long. I have a lot to say, probably too much so it's been hard to form an idea without looking like a scattered-brain idiot. Life is hard. That’s a statement we all know to be true. As a kid, I thought everything would be pretty simple: Grow up doing exactly what my heart desires, make good choices, have a family. It all seems really straight forward, however the older I get, the more I realize, situations in life really aren’t that simple. There are bad choices, uncertainty, fear, and so many other things that complicate life. How can other people’s situations seem so clear, but looking at my own life and making decisions seem so foggy and hard? I wish there was a manual of what to do. I say that, but really I'm glad there isn't or else life would be so boring. I look at my life and I feel like I should be in a different place than I am. I don’t know if I feel that way because of the environment I grew up in or because a lot of my friends are married and or have kids. Maybe that's why it's hard for me to make decisions because I'm perpetually disappointed in myself and where I am at. For the first time in a long time, I'm happy. Those last two sentences juxtapose themselves, however I think it's possible to have two conflicting feelings at once. My life is moving places and I'm making good choices, however there are so many unanswered questions. I don't want my life to pass me by; however I'm so worried about what other people think and disappointing them. I wish I could just say, screw it and do exactly what I want to do (even though I don’t really know what that is). I don't know how I got to be this way. I’m so unsure because things are really changing in my life, I'm about to move, go to school, and I have a lot of unanswered questions about where I'm going to live, if I should get a job, how I'm going to pay for school. I have let my inhibitions get in the way of good choices, I don't want to do that anymore....At some point I just want to yell out, "SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT TO DO!" Oh but that is why I'm in the place I'm in....silly mind, silly emotions, silly me. I'll get this figured out one day. All I can do is, pray, think, and decide. I think I just confused myself even more. I am a scattered-brain idiot. HA! Oh well, that’s life I suppose. This blog really doesn’t make much sense, but maybe if I keep typing, more often, I’ll have an epiphany. Maybe…

That’s all for now…

Getting in Shape

I had a good laugh at myself the other night, I feel like in every facet of my life: I'm getting back into shape. The laugh had to do with my physical shape. For those of you that have known me for awhile, working out has been a huge part of my life. By no means was it my life, nor did I want it to be my profession, but I worked out 5 days a week. I once used to be in much better shape than I am now. So, instead of getting frustrated that I'm not as strong or as toned as I once was, I just laughed at myself. At this point in my life, I think I need to take this approach in every situation. Instead of getting mad (I still do at times), just laugh. I am blessed to have an athletic body type that it does take much time to get back into shape, but non-the-less it's still work, and I still need to do it. I've been lazy. I have completely lost focus of who I am-in every way of my life. From the food I consume, to working out, and what I truly believe about myself. I settled for what I thought was periodical bliss, with a little bit of fun thrown in; really I sold out for a lifeless death and had given up on everything I had wanted. Thank God I'm finally becoming myself again! I love feeling alive, knowing that I have everything within me to do great things. I know that's why I have been so unhappy for the past 2 years. I have such high expectations for myself, I expect to accomplish a lot, have meaningful relationships, and for the last 2 years I just floated through life. I was really disappointed and upset with myself. So, I'm done being disappointed. I'm done making decisions based on what others think I should do, or want me to do. I'm going to make myself proud. I'm going to be the person that I know I was created to be. My sister-in-law tells me often: "Good Decisions=Good Life, Bad Decisions=Bad Life." Even though I might sound like a broken record player throughout my blog, making good decisions is the goal.
 Back to getting in shape; that's the whole point of life, right, self discovery, growth, relationships and change. For me, this definitely applies to my own outlook of my dreams. I believe that we have to allow room for change even what we consider to our, “dreams and aspirations,” Sometimes something beautiful is born with a new idea. In my last blog, I wrote some about how I don't even know what I want to do with my life. That's the best part, is I don't have to know. I'm at peace with that now. I do have some direction thought now. I'm going back to school. I'll give more details later when everything is more firmed up, but I more than thrilled about the direction my life is moving! Without being too cliché, seize the moment, live your life passion. That’s how I’m going to live mine….

That’s all, for now….

I don't have a title today.

I've been thinking a lot lately. In fact, it seems that's all I can do is think. I find my mind constantly running through scenarios of what my life is and what my life could be like. I think I'm finally in a place where I am content and happy with myself, however I just feel like there is something more for me to do than what I'm doing. I’m not satisfied. I know satisfaction doesn't come with earthly things, but I think that if you are fulfilling your destiny, satisfaction follows. What is my destiny? This question has been plaguing me for a long time. I know my hopes and dreams, but they seem so ridiculous. My dreams seem so far out of reach…. Life is tuff. So the question remains, what is Kendra's destiny? What should I do with myself? I seem to always have so many questions and no answers. Maybe I don't shut-up enough to listen, but I can't keep up with this for too long, or life will pass me by. I had someone very dear to my heart tell me last night, "Kendra, you have one life, you have to live it. You know what I mean?" So I can type these words all day long; “I want to live a purposeful life”, but it means nothing unless I do it. Action is it all begins. I'm not sure yet what I'm going to do, new profession, back to school, travel the world, but I'm going to figure it out. I know there is a time and a season for everything in life. So, I wait, try to shut-up, and listen.

That’s all, for now…