It's random....

It's been too long. I have a lot to say, probably too much so it's been hard to form an idea without looking like a scattered-brain idiot. Life is hard. That’s a statement we all know to be true. As a kid, I thought everything would be pretty simple: Grow up doing exactly what my heart desires, make good choices, have a family. It all seems really straight forward, however the older I get, the more I realize, situations in life really aren’t that simple. There are bad choices, uncertainty, fear, and so many other things that complicate life. How can other people’s situations seem so clear, but looking at my own life and making decisions seem so foggy and hard? I wish there was a manual of what to do. I say that, but really I'm glad there isn't or else life would be so boring. I look at my life and I feel like I should be in a different place than I am. I don’t know if I feel that way because of the environment I grew up in or because a lot of my friends are married and or have kids. Maybe that's why it's hard for me to make decisions because I'm perpetually disappointed in myself and where I am at. For the first time in a long time, I'm happy. Those last two sentences juxtapose themselves, however I think it's possible to have two conflicting feelings at once. My life is moving places and I'm making good choices, however there are so many unanswered questions. I don't want my life to pass me by; however I'm so worried about what other people think and disappointing them. I wish I could just say, screw it and do exactly what I want to do (even though I don’t really know what that is). I don't know how I got to be this way. I’m so unsure because things are really changing in my life, I'm about to move, go to school, and I have a lot of unanswered questions about where I'm going to live, if I should get a job, how I'm going to pay for school. I have let my inhibitions get in the way of good choices, I don't want to do that anymore....At some point I just want to yell out, "SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT TO DO!" Oh but that is why I'm in the place I'm in....silly mind, silly emotions, silly me. I'll get this figured out one day. All I can do is, pray, think, and decide. I think I just confused myself even more. I am a scattered-brain idiot. HA! Oh well, that’s life I suppose. This blog really doesn’t make much sense, but maybe if I keep typing, more often, I’ll have an epiphany. Maybe…

That’s all for now…

Getting in Shape

I had a good laugh at myself the other night, I feel like in every facet of my life: I'm getting back into shape. The laugh had to do with my physical shape. For those of you that have known me for awhile, working out has been a huge part of my life. By no means was it my life, nor did I want it to be my profession, but I worked out 5 days a week. I once used to be in much better shape than I am now. So, instead of getting frustrated that I'm not as strong or as toned as I once was, I just laughed at myself. At this point in my life, I think I need to take this approach in every situation. Instead of getting mad (I still do at times), just laugh. I am blessed to have an athletic body type that it does take much time to get back into shape, but non-the-less it's still work, and I still need to do it. I've been lazy. I have completely lost focus of who I am-in every way of my life. From the food I consume, to working out, and what I truly believe about myself. I settled for what I thought was periodical bliss, with a little bit of fun thrown in; really I sold out for a lifeless death and had given up on everything I had wanted. Thank God I'm finally becoming myself again! I love feeling alive, knowing that I have everything within me to do great things. I know that's why I have been so unhappy for the past 2 years. I have such high expectations for myself, I expect to accomplish a lot, have meaningful relationships, and for the last 2 years I just floated through life. I was really disappointed and upset with myself. So, I'm done being disappointed. I'm done making decisions based on what others think I should do, or want me to do. I'm going to make myself proud. I'm going to be the person that I know I was created to be. My sister-in-law tells me often: "Good Decisions=Good Life, Bad Decisions=Bad Life." Even though I might sound like a broken record player throughout my blog, making good decisions is the goal.
 Back to getting in shape; that's the whole point of life, right, self discovery, growth, relationships and change. For me, this definitely applies to my own outlook of my dreams. I believe that we have to allow room for change even what we consider to our, “dreams and aspirations,” Sometimes something beautiful is born with a new idea. In my last blog, I wrote some about how I don't even know what I want to do with my life. That's the best part, is I don't have to know. I'm at peace with that now. I do have some direction thought now. I'm going back to school. I'll give more details later when everything is more firmed up, but I more than thrilled about the direction my life is moving! Without being too cliché, seize the moment, live your life passion. That’s how I’m going to live mine….

That’s all, for now….

I don't have a title today.

I've been thinking a lot lately. In fact, it seems that's all I can do is think. I find my mind constantly running through scenarios of what my life is and what my life could be like. I think I'm finally in a place where I am content and happy with myself, however I just feel like there is something more for me to do than what I'm doing. I’m not satisfied. I know satisfaction doesn't come with earthly things, but I think that if you are fulfilling your destiny, satisfaction follows. What is my destiny? This question has been plaguing me for a long time. I know my hopes and dreams, but they seem so ridiculous. My dreams seem so far out of reach…. Life is tuff. So the question remains, what is Kendra's destiny? What should I do with myself? I seem to always have so many questions and no answers. Maybe I don't shut-up enough to listen, but I can't keep up with this for too long, or life will pass me by. I had someone very dear to my heart tell me last night, "Kendra, you have one life, you have to live it. You know what I mean?" So I can type these words all day long; “I want to live a purposeful life”, but it means nothing unless I do it. Action is it all begins. I'm not sure yet what I'm going to do, new profession, back to school, travel the world, but I'm going to figure it out. I know there is a time and a season for everything in life. So, I wait, try to shut-up, and listen.

That’s all, for now…

Defined Part 2

It's Christmas Eve, I should be sleeping, but instead, my mind can't stop. That seems to occur more times than not these days....
In continuation of my last blog, I asked the question, Defined by what? I know I don't want to be defined by material things, however, what is it that really defines Kendra Jean Lafayette? That question is much harder to answer than I think it should be. I could give the typical answers like; family, faith, and friends, but somehow those answers just don't seem good enough. I need something more, something more clever, honest, and real. I don't know what a good answer is. I love my family, I love my God, and I have some good friends, but that doesn't capture the essence of who I am. I don't know exactly what does though. I can more easily point out flaws than I can say what I want to be defined by. The scary, eye-opening thing about that, is perhaps right now, who I am isn't who I want to be. I can live with that because there is always room for change. What will I do if all the bad out weighs the good? The obvious answer-change a lot!
An example; it all started when I was 13, I really enjoyed the art of lying. I call it an art due to the fact that I was proud I could lie so well. I justified it to myself by saying that I didn't need to tell everyone everything because it is my life, so not telling the whole truth couldn't be too bad, right? WRONG. Looking back, I realize in how much trouble that got me into. How much heartache and arguments I could have avoided. I am one of those people that has to learn the hard way, but really...this could have been unavoidable. I knew better, I chose to lie anyway. I'm 12 years removed from that annoying 13 year old, but the lying haunted me for years. I know I still have room for improvement, but I am really trying. I have made it my goal this last 6 months not to lie about anything, at all. Of course, I have had a few screw ups. I hate that my human nature sometimes take over. Only then, do I have to retract my statements, apologize, and admit I was wrong. It's not easy undoing learned behaviors, but it's definitely worth it. I didn't get any closer to the answer I originally asked! Perhaps one day, I will figure it out.

Merry Christmas!

That's all, for now...

Defined by what?

Most of you have already seen that I cut my hair. It was a huge thing for me. I have always had long hair. The most compliments I get are about my hair. Everyone tells me how beautiful it is, and I should never cut it. As strange as it sounds, my hair was definitely a security blanket for me. I have talked about donating it for years, just never had the courage to do it. I honestly was scared I was going to look awful with my hair short. Then one day a friend asked me if I was defined by my hair. The word defined, really struck me. I realized I was defined by the long locks that were attached to my head. Hair shouldn't be an essential quality of who I am. I don't want any tangible or monetary thing to define me at all. That isn't who I want to be. I don't want people to say at my funeral, "She was okay, but her hair was amazing!" So after thinking about it, for one minute, I decided it had to go. I had all the courage I needed. Besides, I have a really long braid in a zip lock bag that is going to make an awesome wig for a little girl who needs it. I love doing things that are bigger than myself. I need to find more things I can do that aren't about me. Even though I do love attention, I didn't cut it to get attention. The hair was almost an obsession, so it had to go. Now if only I can do that in every area of my life-cut out the unhealthy, obsesesive behaviors. I suppose shopping will be next. HA! That's going to be a big one, maybe I should start with ice cream :)

That's all, for now....

Short and Sweet

I don't have much to say today except for, I am happy.
In the midst of stress, I have an overwhelmingly sense of peace. Maybe it's because my vacation start tomorrow at 4:00, but maybe, just maybe, I'm learning to be content. Tis the season for joy, happiness, gratefulness...I love this time of year! It's full of family, laughs, love, and FOOD! Our bellies will be filled with so many delicious, heart-warming dishes. I will have my Great Aunt Mary's stewed tomatoes, Papa's pancakes, Aunt Julia's queso, Shannon's pumpkin bread, and hopefully my Mom's enchiladas! Even more than the food, I am thankful for TIME. We never know what will happen next; however this Christmas season, I will be making new memories. I am truly blessed...


That's all, for now...

Stupid Thinker!

What is it about life that causes us to return to patterns, lifestyles, and familiar people/situations? I suppose it's comfort, fear, and probably just not living. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate old friendships and reminiscing, but that is not what I am referring to. I am speaking more of a frame of mind. It's so easy to get stuck in a rut and return to, "the things we always do." I'm sick of it! For me, I think I return to the old because I'm afraid of failure, but that fear is a huge contribution to my failures. Really, if failure is my worst fear, I’m doing okay. Failure isn't that much of a mountain as I make it out to be. I know this. I let my dramatic nature convince me it's horrible. So, I'm making it a purpose to change my old habits and not go back to familiar, unhealthy things. For instance, I feel like sometimes I'm a chameleon. I so desperately want people to like me and approve of what I'm doing and who I am, that I behave in ways I think I should instead of just being myself.. I don't want to be a chameleon anymore. I’m tired of doing things to please people, rather than just behaving in a way that is right and depicts who I am to the core. That's a little scary; I have thoughts like, “what if they don't like me?” Really though, in the grand scheme of life, should it really matter who likes me or not? I don’t think so. I don't have to fit into every group or mold. I want to be loud, quirky, kind, and opinionated without worrying what people think. Hopefully one day soon, I won't worry at all. Maybe that’s a little unrealistic because of human nature, but I truly believe I can cut most of the worrying out of my life. My biggest enemy is myself. It’s not going to be my mission to be obnoxious and weird just because I want to be free from people pleasing. However, I just want to be real and honest in every aspect of my life. I simply don’t want to change who I am to fit into a mold that I think I need to fit into. Stupid thinker…Maybe I can turn it in for a new one? =)

That’s all, for now…