Defined Part 2

It's Christmas Eve, I should be sleeping, but instead, my mind can't stop. That seems to occur more times than not these days....
In continuation of my last blog, I asked the question, Defined by what? I know I don't want to be defined by material things, however, what is it that really defines Kendra Jean Lafayette? That question is much harder to answer than I think it should be. I could give the typical answers like; family, faith, and friends, but somehow those answers just don't seem good enough. I need something more, something more clever, honest, and real. I don't know what a good answer is. I love my family, I love my God, and I have some good friends, but that doesn't capture the essence of who I am. I don't know exactly what does though. I can more easily point out flaws than I can say what I want to be defined by. The scary, eye-opening thing about that, is perhaps right now, who I am isn't who I want to be. I can live with that because there is always room for change. What will I do if all the bad out weighs the good? The obvious answer-change a lot!
An example; it all started when I was 13, I really enjoyed the art of lying. I call it an art due to the fact that I was proud I could lie so well. I justified it to myself by saying that I didn't need to tell everyone everything because it is my life, so not telling the whole truth couldn't be too bad, right? WRONG. Looking back, I realize in how much trouble that got me into. How much heartache and arguments I could have avoided. I am one of those people that has to learn the hard way, but really...this could have been unavoidable. I knew better, I chose to lie anyway. I'm 12 years removed from that annoying 13 year old, but the lying haunted me for years. I know I still have room for improvement, but I am really trying. I have made it my goal this last 6 months not to lie about anything, at all. Of course, I have had a few screw ups. I hate that my human nature sometimes take over. Only then, do I have to retract my statements, apologize, and admit I was wrong. It's not easy undoing learned behaviors, but it's definitely worth it. I didn't get any closer to the answer I originally asked! Perhaps one day, I will figure it out.

Merry Christmas!

That's all, for now...

Defined by what?

Most of you have already seen that I cut my hair. It was a huge thing for me. I have always had long hair. The most compliments I get are about my hair. Everyone tells me how beautiful it is, and I should never cut it. As strange as it sounds, my hair was definitely a security blanket for me. I have talked about donating it for years, just never had the courage to do it. I honestly was scared I was going to look awful with my hair short. Then one day a friend asked me if I was defined by my hair. The word defined, really struck me. I realized I was defined by the long locks that were attached to my head. Hair shouldn't be an essential quality of who I am. I don't want any tangible or monetary thing to define me at all. That isn't who I want to be. I don't want people to say at my funeral, "She was okay, but her hair was amazing!" So after thinking about it, for one minute, I decided it had to go. I had all the courage I needed. Besides, I have a really long braid in a zip lock bag that is going to make an awesome wig for a little girl who needs it. I love doing things that are bigger than myself. I need to find more things I can do that aren't about me. Even though I do love attention, I didn't cut it to get attention. The hair was almost an obsession, so it had to go. Now if only I can do that in every area of my life-cut out the unhealthy, obsesesive behaviors. I suppose shopping will be next. HA! That's going to be a big one, maybe I should start with ice cream :)

That's all, for now....

Short and Sweet

I don't have much to say today except for, I am happy.
In the midst of stress, I have an overwhelmingly sense of peace. Maybe it's because my vacation start tomorrow at 4:00, but maybe, just maybe, I'm learning to be content. Tis the season for joy, happiness, gratefulness...I love this time of year! It's full of family, laughs, love, and FOOD! Our bellies will be filled with so many delicious, heart-warming dishes. I will have my Great Aunt Mary's stewed tomatoes, Papa's pancakes, Aunt Julia's queso, Shannon's pumpkin bread, and hopefully my Mom's enchiladas! Even more than the food, I am thankful for TIME. We never know what will happen next; however this Christmas season, I will be making new memories. I am truly blessed...


That's all, for now...

Stupid Thinker!

What is it about life that causes us to return to patterns, lifestyles, and familiar people/situations? I suppose it's comfort, fear, and probably just not living. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate old friendships and reminiscing, but that is not what I am referring to. I am speaking more of a frame of mind. It's so easy to get stuck in a rut and return to, "the things we always do." I'm sick of it! For me, I think I return to the old because I'm afraid of failure, but that fear is a huge contribution to my failures. Really, if failure is my worst fear, I’m doing okay. Failure isn't that much of a mountain as I make it out to be. I know this. I let my dramatic nature convince me it's horrible. So, I'm making it a purpose to change my old habits and not go back to familiar, unhealthy things. For instance, I feel like sometimes I'm a chameleon. I so desperately want people to like me and approve of what I'm doing and who I am, that I behave in ways I think I should instead of just being myself.. I don't want to be a chameleon anymore. I’m tired of doing things to please people, rather than just behaving in a way that is right and depicts who I am to the core. That's a little scary; I have thoughts like, “what if they don't like me?” Really though, in the grand scheme of life, should it really matter who likes me or not? I don’t think so. I don't have to fit into every group or mold. I want to be loud, quirky, kind, and opinionated without worrying what people think. Hopefully one day soon, I won't worry at all. Maybe that’s a little unrealistic because of human nature, but I truly believe I can cut most of the worrying out of my life. My biggest enemy is myself. It’s not going to be my mission to be obnoxious and weird just because I want to be free from people pleasing. However, I just want to be real and honest in every aspect of my life. I simply don’t want to change who I am to fit into a mold that I think I need to fit into. Stupid thinker…Maybe I can turn it in for a new one? =)

That’s all, for now…

I was wrong

Tomorrow is my birthday and honestly, I can't help but be a little sad. I don't want to be sad, but that's where I'm at right now. I will get up, go to work, and more than likely watch a movie at home. Normally I am excited about my birthdays but this one I'm not. I'll be 25 and I am alone. My last birthday I thought I would be engaged by 25...and I was wrong. I do miss him a little bit. I think mainly it's because I thought I would still be with him. I tried so hard to make everything work with him, I compromised and gave up so much of who I am-guess that should have been my first clue that it wasn't going to work out. I suppose my head hasn't caught up to my heart, or maybe it's the other way around... I don't know. I’m looking forward to the day that I don’t miss him at all. Even though I'm alone; I'm in a place I need to be in. Being single isn't something I'm accustomed to. I never thought of myself needing to have a guy around, however when I reflect and look at my track record, I see that I was wrong, again. "I was wrong," just might be my new statement for 2011. Ha! Honestly though, I am grateful to have my eyes opened and realize the places that I'm wrong. Life is not easy; however, I wish it would be a little easier. Maybe that is just my outlook though. Maybe I make it more difficult than it really is. Yes, I think that’s it. I definitely make things more difficult than they really are. My hopes are one day I grow up and get over myself. In the mean time, I will work on it one day at a time and try not to be sad.

That’s all, for now…

It's right in front of me.

I had a conversation with one of my brothers about a week ago. We were talking about friendship, goals, my life, ect... He always has an opinion, whether I want it or not. However, most of the time what he has to say is something I need to hear whether I want to or not. He shared with me how he became so focused and determined in his life. I told him about how I need to make good decisions so I can be happy and proud of myself. His simple answer was, "Kendra everything you need to be happy, you already have." I first wanted to disagree and point out everything that is wrong, but I didn't argue because deep down, I knew he was right. I'm trying everyday to rejoice in the things I have; a family that loves me, my health, an income. I might not want the job I have, or live in the city I live in, but how can I ever be happy if I'm never content? Content: satisfied with what one is or has. -At this point I'm not at that place yet, but I am working towards it. What I'm working on: making the situation I'm in more enjoyable. It's all about my attitude. It seems simple as I’m typing this. However, this is a struggle for me. All I can do is take it one day at a time.

That’s all, for now….

Callused Heart

Yesterday, my brother Travis graduated from the University of Texas. It was a wonderful, and we are all proud of him! (Too bad he still has one more final to take.) The student speaker had some interesting things to say... Of course he picked a topic that most people would: changing the world. However, the way he approached it was really intriguing. It wasn't the typical, "go out and be successful, make lots of money," speech. He plainly said how our lives have nothing to do with ourselves. Such a simple, yet profound statement. I want my life to be something I'm proud of. I think that starts with caring about other people. I get so consumed with myself that I rarely think of others. I used to more than I do now, but my heart is callused. It takes time and work to care for others, however I need to get back to that place....

That's all, for now...

Love is patient...

Love asks me no questions and gives me endless support

I got this in my fortune cookie on Friday November, 26th. Since then, I have thought about those few simple words everyday. When first reading it, I completely disagreed. Perhaps this is because of the perception I have about love. I thought I was in love, I thought I knew what love was. I have always thought, and still think that love is a verb. Something you choose to do. The older I get, the more I realize that I just don't understand what love is. Love is patient, love is kind. It doesn't boast, it isn't rude....Most of us have heard this scripture at some point, but how many of us really comprehend what that scripture is saying? I remember being 8 years old and reading those words everyday, (my Mom had the scripture framed in the house). I thought the words were beautiful, I didn't then and just now barely starting to realize what those words mean. The relationship I was in for over 2 years just ended a few months ago. I can say that I deeply cared for him, would even say that I loved him. But if I  compare the love I thought I felt to 1 Corinthians 13:4 and even the saying out of my fortune cookie, I would have to admit that what I was feeling wasn’t love. I think so many people have a fairy tale view of what love is. Love doesn't mean you don't argue or disagree. It doesn't mean that you will always feel good. In my opinion, Love doesn't equate to emotions. I want to care so deeply for someone that I don't have to ask questions. I don’t' have to boast, but rather, rejoice in the truth. I want to always protect, trust and hope. I’m sure one day I will experience this love that I think about. Until then, I’m content without it.  

That's all, for now...

First Time for Everything

I have had the desire to blog. My hope is I can organize some thoughts and look back at these times and see the progression I've made. Not that what I have to say is very important, or anyone might want to read it. But it's for me, no one else, just me. My life has been turned around in the last 4 months. Well, really I've been on a roller coaster ride for the last 2 years but particularly the last 4 months has changed me life completely. I have learned more about myself than I ever thought possible. Over the course of blogging, I just want to share what I'm thinking, feeling, and growing. I've experienced so much love and loss; each of which from different places that I had expected.
I'm constantly asking myself, what will make me happy? I've realized that it can't be a city, or a job, or a boy for that matter. (However, my nephew makes me pretty happy!) I was and still do try to find happiness in the wrong places. Happiness starts with me. I'm not proud of where I'm at in life; therefore it's hard to be happy with myself. So starting in the simplest place, everyday it's my choice to make good decisions that I'm proud of and choose to be happy. I try so hard to make things work out the way I want them to; that I never seem to ask myself the hard questions, like is this the right thing for me? Is this person the one I should be spending so much time with?

What I'm going to focus on:
1. Not being as stubborn as I am.
2. Be more selfish (I'll elaborate on this a different time)
3. Living in the moment.
4. Making good/healthy decisions.
5. Being thankful for what I have because I really have a lot.

I've heard people say, "in broken places is where you learn the most," honestly, I thought this statement was an excuse for weak people. I didn't think I needed to be "broken" to learn anything. I found out, I was wrong.

That's all, for now....